I have been dealing with suicidal ‘thinking’ for the past five years to the point that it almost seems ingrained in my personality. I have thought about writing about it but didn’t feel comfortable because people would misunderstand me and think I wanted to die but I don’t. While dealing with my psychosis, unemployment, and subsequent recovery I have now gone through three distinct types of suicidal thinking, and I post about it because I can’t think of a more tragic way to go than through suicide. Especially when we see young people with their whole lives ahead of them.

Casual suicidal thoughts.

Casual suicidal thoughts can occur when you are going through any struggle whether it be a breakdown, bullying at school, or grieving for a lost one. We feel lost in the world and want to die to escape from the current pain we are feeling. This type of suicidal thinking is manageable. You may be depressed but the overall problem will clear and you could get rid of the suicidal thinking by going to the gym, going for a swim, long walks in the fresh air, resting in nature, and of course counselling on the phone or face to face.

Suicidal planning

This is when you have fallen further down the hole and it is becoming difficult to shift that black dog from your shoulders. Maybe you have surfed on line ways to kill yourself. You are ruminating on different ways to kill yourself. You are not talking to anyone about this and feel stuck in a hole.  Keeping healthy still works but you must get to councillor or even talk to one of charities for free such as the Samaritans. Talking about it will help you completely. You must go to the doctors and consider getting on medication.

Suicidal shutdown

This is the most dangerous type of suicidal thinking. You may have an overwhelming urge to throw yourself under a train or of a bridge. This kind of thinking overtakes your whole self. It almost consumes the whole of you, until it is not you making the choice, but the bodies will to escape the dark experiences it is stuck in. This is the most dangerous and you should go to the doctors immediately and get on medication. Medication is the only thing that will help you and you will feel better in two weeks.

I experienced the latter kind of thinking, and I remember thinking, stuff this I don’t want to die, so I went to the doctors and got on some medication. While in this state, I walked to a bridge three times, felt an overwhelming urge to throw myself under a train, but I was always an observer watching my thoughts, and that is thanks to Buddhism and long term meditation, but that’s another story.

Now get to the doctor quickly. Get on medication and save yourself. You will get through this black period.