John lay asleep in his bed. He snored loudly as he had always done. If I told you that people up North snored differently from people down south you wouldn’t believe me. But they do. It’s a little bit louder. Like a freight train passing through the suburbs.

John continued to snore and dream. About factories, and pies and greyhounds. I’m not stereotyping John at all, honest.

Suddenly a bright light filled the room as if a car had shone its head lights on full beam. The alarm clock went dead. And John started to rub his eyes wondering  what the bright light was.

‘Probably those scallywags, mucking around outside,’ he thought to himself. And as he turned to try and escae the light, he realized he couldn’t move. It was as if he was paralyzed. He tried to move again and started to wake up at the same time, but again he was frozen to the spot.

He was about to swear when a second beam of light came through the window, and his body started to rise. John wanted to shout and scream but couldn’t. He assumed he must be in some terrible dream so he just tried to relax.

His body continued to float outside his window, even though it was shut. He floated up into the sky towards a brighter light. Maybe, I’m dead,’ he thought to himself. I’ve drank to many pints of ale, and eaten to many fish suppers, (as you do oop North).

Then he felt the coldness of a steel table on his back and the light dimmed to find two alien creatures in front of him. One alien held up and steel probe. John, still shocked but now livid, had spent many a night surfing online conspiracy theory websites, on alien abductions and knew exactly where that probe was heading.

But then a voice entered his head, ‘We do not mean to harm you. We are just collecting specimens for our planet.’

John was having none of it. ‘You can have my saliva, but not my arse.’ With all his might John pulled himself together and whacked one of the aliens in the head.

To his shock the alien’s head fell off revealing a human being.

‘What the fucking hell’s going on here?’ And the human alien spoke.

‘Alright mate calm down. We might not be aliens but we can still harm you.’

The other alien pulled out a 9mm Browning pistol from a drawer inside the spaceship.

‘I don’t give a shit if I die. You’re not sticking that probe up my arse.’

‘Alright mate. We’re not going to harm you. We’re part of a government experiment using advanced alien technology to carry out experiments on human beings.’

‘Listen mate I don’t care what you’re part  of but I’m from Manchester and know one is sticking anything up my arse.’

‘That’s fine we will just give you a flash of light and you will wake in your bed and forget everything.’

And quickly the other human dressed as an alien pulled out a gun and zapped a bright light into John’s eyes.

The next day John woke up and he couldn’t remember a thing. Except the bright light in his bedroom. His arse was fine and he went about his day.

Somewhere out there in a government owned alien spaceship was an entry in a log book.

Note to next crew: Don’t ever abduct a Mancunian.

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