Suckered : Funny Short Story

Suckered

At last Planet Earth had communicated with alien life. The signal was coming from a planet not so very far away in the galaxy next door, much to the surprise of the scientific community. It seemed they had been using the wrong kind of analysis tools. Apparently, the alien life forms had been shouting, ‘We’re over here,’ for quite some time, and eventually the aliens decided that they would have to make the first move.

At the NORAD control centre deep in the Cheyenne mountains, things were getting quite heated.

‘What the hell do you mean don’t know where?’ barked the president. Jim nervously shuffled the data reports in his hands.

‘We’ve checked the data and tried to translate the best we can, and so far we only have a date and time, and the words: we will come to you.’

The president was someone to be feared. I mean he was fearful enough in the movie Terminator but in real life, he was bigger and used more words.

‘How the hell can we prepare for their arrival when we don’t know where they will land?’ said the president. Jim went over to his screen and quickly shuffled his UFO-shaped mouse.

‘Well, we did manage to unscramble some of the data and worked out a rough area.’ Jim pointed to the map on the screen and the area known as the Mojave Desert. President Schwarzenegger leaned into the screen.

‘The desert in three weeks. Do we know anything about these aliens? How will they be coming? I mean I take it they won’t be coming by bicycle.’ He grumbled.

‘Not unless it is an intergalactic bike,’ said Jim smiling. He immediately realised he had said the wrong thing. You didn’t want to mess with the most aggressive president ever, especially one who was on the brink of launching attacks on China and Iran. The president looked Jim squarely in the eyes.

‘Any foreign object bigger or more powerful, than anything the USA has got, must either be on our side or shot down.’

Jim tried to plead with the president.

‘I can assure you Mr. President these creatures are highly evolved. We’ve translated as much data as we can. It seems they want to bring a message of peace.’

The president was busy checking his pecks in the window’s reflection.

‘Peace? Yeah sure. We’ll give them some peace. A piece of my ass.’

And the president started to walk out of the compound. Before he closed the door he turned to Jim and said, ‘I’ll be back,’ and then smiled and walked out the door.

Jim smiled briefly then immediately admonished himself. How the hell can one man go so far with such a dumb catchphrase? It was twisted around for his poster campaign, ‘I Am Back’ for the presidential election, and a few million Arni fans could not resist it. Jim mumbled his best Arni impression whilst analysing the rest of the data.

‘I got some peace for you. A piece of my ass, hur hur hur.’

Meanwhile, in a not-so-distant galaxy on a not-so-distant planet in fact right behind our own but just on a different vibration. Aliens were preparing a surprise visit.

The Lizurethians used to be a violent race just like human beings but that was all in the past, about a thousand years in the past. As well as evolving technology they also evolved their minds. They used control of sound and mind to travel, and as highly evolved beings knew that you didn’t have to bend space and time to travel, but just pop in and out on a different vibration.

They also looked like lizards, which was the main reason for never visiting Earth. I mean if human beings had difficulty in dealing with their own people because of colour. How the hell would they handle a six-foot, highly evolved, intelligent lizard? The high councillor Mara rubbed her smooth silky scales with cream.

‘Gosh don’t you just hate dry skin,’ she said. Her attendee Malcolm, a council adviser, looked on in admiration.

‘You are a true example to all Lizurethians, Ma’am. You make me proud.’

Despite looking like lizards, the Lizurethians had a strong female shape, even the men. It was a bit like crossing an Anaconda with Beyonce Knowles. Mara was powerful, sexy, and very strong. She held up her three-fingered hand to Malcolm. The palm of her hand was covered with mini suckers which opened giving a slightly mild sigh.

‘Oh God. No thanks Mara. If you don’t mind I need to keep my mind focused at the moment.’ Mara moved closer to Malcolm.

‘Oh come on, Malcolm. Just a small orgasm before we take the journey. You know you like it.’

The Lizurethians made love quite a lot. Unlike like us humans, their erogenous zones were placed in the palm of their hands. When put together, their juices flowed, and it was said that the experience had the ability to render the male lover incapacitated for several weeks. Albeit several weeks in the most heightened orgasmic state of ecstasy.

The Lizurethians hadn’t always been this way. Much like humanity they too were involved in petty aggressive wars with themselves, until what they termed, the summer of love occurred.

This was like the sixties on Earth only this time it was experienced by the entire race of Lizurethians. Imagine one whole planet involved in non-stop lovemaking for ten years. After that, they had completely transformed into a loving peaceful race of lizards. Mara took her seat in front of the other councillors with Malcolm by her side.

‘Now what’s the update on the human problem,’ she asked.

‘Well it seems they are on the brink of total annihilation. We can see a mass of troops in two main areas and we have decoded all signals from their governments. It seems they are ready to launch nuclear strikes,’ spoke one of the councillors. An elder lizard, Damas, spoke up.

‘Let them destroy themselves then we can go in and take over. One view of our giant ships and lizard eyes, and they will freak out. It will be a piece of cake.’

‘If they launch the weapons they will destroy the planet and its natural resources and we will be left without water for millions of miles. No other planet within this galaxy is capable of sustaining life with all the right nutrients,’ said Malcolm.

The Lizurethians had been popping in and out of Earth for thousands of years. They used Earth’s water supplies to replenish their own bodily systems. And dare I say steal the odd dress from the latest fashion line.

‘You mean we should neutralise them?’ spoke Mara. An elder lizard stood up.

‘There seems to be a handful of men with an overabundance of male testosterone running that planet into ruin. I believe a quick injection from our suckers will realign their behaviour, and bring the rest of the planet to a more peaceful state of being.’

Mara stood up looking at the high councillors.

‘So let’s just get this straight. You want me to go to Earth and screw the most powerful men on their planet. In the name of peace?’

The councillors remained silent as Mara headed out the door towards the sound chamber.

‘Well, these suckers better be ready for those suckers, because I am in the mood for love.’

She sashayed out of the room and started to prepare herself for travel to another dimension.

In the sky above the desert, jets flew past, and helicopters whirred above the recently erected buildings. Packs of soldiers armed with the latest weaponry drove around the base shouting their military songs. The USA was ready to greet the alien visitors on their own terms.

In the command control centre, Jim was scanning the radio waves for any signs or warnings of their imminent arrival. The president stood by the window looking out into the desert puffing on his cigar.

‘I wonder what their ship will be like.’ He turned and walked towards Jim.

‘Did you see Independence Day. I mean I didn’t like Will Smith’s rubber performance but that was some spaceship.’

Jim just stared at the president in disbelief. He tweaked a few numbers and ran the algorithms again.

‘They could arrive by a different means other than a gigantic spaceship. They could just appear in some kind of vessel out of nowhere.’

The president looked at him. ‘I’m sure that if they are highly evolved beings then they will arrive in a highly evolved manner.’

The time was getting closer. They were due to arrive at 15:00 hours. Everyone in the command room was busy doing something, but in reality no one really had a clue what to expect. Troops outside were positioned around the stadium with their weapons pointing in the air. Anti-aircraft guns pointed menacingly towards an empty sky. The president was thinking exactly the same thing as everyone else. What the hell will happen next?

At that point out of a very clear sky, a visible crack of lightning struck the sky frightening everyone in the command centre.

‘I thought the weather reports were supposed to be clear today,’ shouted one technician.

‘Check the weather maps again. That looks like one mother of a cloud coming up,’ said another pointing in the distance. People started to look out of the window at what appeared to be a very dark cloud with flashes of light bursting out of it, heading towards the stadium.

‘Holy shit this must be the mother ship,’ said Jim as cameras around him started to capture the momentous event.

Outside, soldiers aimed their weapons, and helicopters started to move towards the cloud. Everyone in the room was becoming visibly nervous. The atmosphere became warm and sticky as if they were in the tropics. The cloud moved closer until it hovered above the stadium. The lights inside grew brighter and people could start to hear a deep, booming sound.

AAUUMM.

You could feel the vibration of the sound through your entire body. Soldiers were given orders to get ready to fire into the cloud but no one could move. It was as if they were all being held in place by some invisible force. The soldiers just stood there grinning while the cloud drew closer. The lights flashed faster and the sound grew deeper. AUM! came the sound again, deeper and louder.

For a brief second, Jim wondered whether they were about to be attacked by the Hare Krishnas. Suddenly it stopped. Everyone in the command centre rushed to the window to catch a glimpse of the mother ship but nothing was there. The cloud had gone. The sound had gone. The soldiers all pointed their guns towards nothing. Jim checked the signals but all signals were dead and then behind him, he heard.

‘Well, hello boys.’ It was Mara.

The president and everyone else turned round to be confronted by what appeared to be a very tall and sexy lizard-like being, in a slinky figure-hugging dress. Everybody was completely numbed with shock. Their mouths were wide open and they were all thinking the same thing, even the girls. She’s quite cute.

‘So, which one of you boys is the president?’

The president still in shock managed to lift his hand and said, ‘Hi. I’m the president. Do you come in peace?’

Mara swayed towards the president. The security team thought about moving toward the president to protect him, but they were completely numb.

‘Of course, I come in peace. We Lizurethians have been living in peace for a thousand years. We are all about peace. I believe you human beings tend to greet with a handshake.’

The president stared into Mara’s snake-like eyes utterly hypnotised. She held out her hand to greet him and those baby suckers opened up and started to sigh. She gripped the president’s hand.

At first he let out an ‘ah’, and then he let out an ‘ooh’, followed by another ‘ahh’, and then one long sigh, and a really big smile. The president crumbled to the floor where he lay for a few minutes and after he had recovered; just wasn’t himself anymore. He was all about peace, love, harmony and you know what.

It wasn’t too long before the Lizurethians were popping in and out all over Earth. Previously brutal dictators suddenly demanded peace.

Greedy CEOs and Hedge Fund Managers suggested a fairer means of distributing wealth, even the Chinese Premier was seen running around in a multi-coloured Hawaiian shirt demanding that everyone be free.

It seemed the whole planet had changed overnight. All these once-powerful people. Suckered into peace.

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