I regret following the Buddha. Or any religion. What was I thinking. When I was young, I would belong to Zen sangha’s or Tibetan communities. I would revere these Buddhist teachings and the teachings that I read about like Words Of My Perfect teacher.

The stories would celebrate how monks lived in austere poverty with few possessions while praying their mantras. The  only thing that mattered was developing compassion and kindness. I myself believed in these things. I did know want to possess any possessions. I did not save money and believed that my good karma generated by my mantras and prayers would guarantee good things coming to me.

I went to university at 42 convinced I would become a great writer. Society tells you to dream. My spiritual teacher would state, ‘dream the impossible’. But after university, each time I tried for a dream. Whether it be writing, or teaching English I would have what is described as the three stages of psychosis.

Always have a back-up dream

After university I had a panic attack that put me in hospital and on diazepam. But my illness was not that bad so I went to China to teach English. While I enjoyed myself in China, and it was stressful, when I returned to England I had a further breakdown, known as an existential crisis with elements of psychosis.

So you can see my karma working here. I am trying to live my dream but life is knocking me down. Despite being given olanzapine medication. I did not take this as I believed I would get better. Big mistake. I went to Prague to teach English and on returning home at Christmas for a break, I had my third and final psychotic break.

This completely floored me. And I took it personally. What was the universe, or god, or the Buddha saying to me. Where was my good karma. All those mantras and no good luck. In hindsight I am not blaming anyone it was just a false belief system. Or any belief system at all.

There is no karma

It was just life hitting me because I experienced two deaths at university. Plus the stress of university. But after my psychosis I looked at life differently. The gloves were of. The rose tinted spectacles that I wore while looking at my spiritual teachers were shattered. My spiritual teachers were not bad people. They had just chosen the right industry to enter.

Religion is a great industry to belong to. The spiritual teachers spin good yarns about compassion and kindness. They talk about being simple monks. But they themselves may be earning 100k per year from the teachings they give. The modern day spiritual teacher is a millionaire and I am supposed to listen to them about how to be happy as a working class man?

When I went to see my perfect teacher to align myself with his monastery. Another dream was to learn about mindfulness and teach it at the monastery. But he said to me,’ YOU HAVE NO MONEY YOU HAVE NO WISDOM.’ And the look on his face was thunder. It shocked me to the core. Knowing he had helped so many of my friends to be monks. Or stay at the monastery and help out for your bed and board.

Be wary of spiritual teachers

Imagine how I felt to be disowned by the community I love and to go through three psychotic breaks. Only to realize the spiritual community you had committed to was run by spiritual teachers only concerned about your wealth. They will help you if you are rich or a celebrity. If you donate your property to them they will twirl a million mantras. But god help you don’t be poor.

And this is where I am after three psychotic breaks. Five years as a care worker. Two years trying to find a job. In the end I found a job at 22k per annum. A basic shitty admin role. And as I reflect on my life. I wish I had never gone to university at 42. It was dangerous of me to dream that late in the day. I wish I had never bothered with that spiritual community because they are all fake liars who feather their own nests first while begging donations from hard-working members of the public.

Most religious teachers are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They covet your wealth and care nothing about you. I swear they are demons. But I wish I had listened to the original Buddha, who said, ‘Be a lamp unto yourself.’

Follow no one but yourself. Get a good job. Stick to it. Buy property. Buy two or three properties. And never give a penny to anyone. Especially not religion. Until you have at least 100k lounging in your bank. And if you meet a spiritual teacher on the road. Wanting to teach you about happiness. Check his bank balance first.