Never mind struggling with medication the very fact that I am on medication is tough enough for me to take. How did I end with a psychosis? however transitory it is, it is never transitory enough. How does one know after a few months if the illness has gone, and the only reason why you’re taking the medication is that when you stop taking it, you are hit with this awful cold, black, gnawing in your stomach. ‘you must take it every day’ the doctors say to me, but no one wants to sit with me and say let’s stop this and take it day by day, let’s try to come of them together.
It’s been two years now and let’s be clear I am very grateful for the financial and medical support I have received. It has been above par and no horror stories of people cutting away my benefits it’s just the final solution would be to get back to a great job that doesn’t freak me out. The problem is I feel fear and nervousness ten times more than I did before, and while I can and did handle a standard routine call centre job for three months, it left me feeling dead inside (despite the meds)
I was heading towards teaching of some sorts before my full psychotic break. This wasn’t violent but more just hearing and sensing things. I was quickly normalized but the experienced robbed me of that initial confidence I had. Of course the dream was being abroad and teaching but if I am addicted to medication then I have to stay at home.
What to do? Give up and take a sedentary office job content in knowing I will feel safe every day and be paid a wage, or step tentatively back into the teaching waters with a CELTA/TEFL and feel those deep fears and ride them like a wave. After months at home with my Mother where I felt secure and fed well I have taken the risk of moving back to London with my sister. Even as I pull away from the apron strings I feel sick and nervous about moving anywhere but if stay I just die within myself.
I still hover over my medication stockpiling them for some Armageddon scenario. I feel unsure about the next two week so I will probably take them to keep me calm. My sister is armed with Reiki friends and Body Talk healers ready to try other forms of healing to get myself back to normal. I will post again if I pluck up the courage to do the CELTA. I have the interview next Wednesday. Gulp! Change, change, change.