I struggle with my medication

Never mind struggling with medication the very fact that I am on medication is tough enough for me to take. How did I end with a psychosis? however transitory it is, it is never transitory enough. How does one know after a few months if the illness has gone, and the only reason why you’re taking the medication is that when you stop taking it, you are hit with this awful cold, black, gnawing in your stomach. ‘you must take it every day’ the doctors say to me, but no one wants to sit with me and say let’s stop this and take it day by day, let’s try to come of them together.  

It’s been two years now and let’s be clear I am very grateful for the financial and medical support I have received. It has been above par and no horror stories of people cutting away my benefits it’s just the final solution would be to get back to a great job that doesn’t freak me out. The problem is I feel fear and nervousness ten times more than I did before, and while I can and did handle a standard routine call centre job for three months, it left me feeling dead inside (despite the meds)

I was heading towards teaching of some sorts before my full psychotic break. This wasn’t violent but more just hearing and sensing things. I was quickly normalized but the experienced robbed me of that initial confidence I had. Of course the dream was being abroad and teaching but if I am addicted to medication then I have to stay at home.  

olanzapine

What to do? Give up and take a sedentary office job content in knowing I will feel safe every day and be paid a wage, or step tentatively back into the teaching waters with a CELTA/TEFL and feel those deep fears and ride them like a wave. After months at home with my Mother where I felt secure and fed well I have taken the risk of moving back to London with my sister. Even as I pull away from the apron strings I feel sick and nervous about moving anywhere but if stay I just die within myself.

I still hover over my medication stockpiling them for some Armageddon scenario. I feel unsure about the next two week so I will probably take them to keep me calm. My sister is armed with Reiki friends and Body Talk healers ready to try other forms of healing to get myself back to normal. I will post again if I pluck up the courage to do the CELTA. I have the interview next Wednesday. Gulp! Change, change, change.

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3 comments

  1. Take small manageable steps towards more achievable goals. You have shown such courage. Moving to London after what you’ve been through takes inner strength.
    You are stronger than you think. I hope you don’t mind me saying, but I trained as a healing practitioner, I recommend you don’t mix healing energy with strong medication/illness. It is not something a licensed healing practitioner should do unless they have written permission from your GP. I also don’t recommend this for other more complex reasons, which I won’t bore you with here.
    Go gently with yourself. Don’t give up on your dreams which sound wonderful. Perhaps adjust to waiting for a gentle recovery… you never know what lies around the corner. Self nurture, listen to your inner instinct, stay close to people you trust, and take small steps to rebuilding your confidence. Your Mum and sister sound lovely. It is good that you have people who care about you. Take good care, warmest wishes and good luck…I hope you got the CELTA. 🌸

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    1. Thanks for the comments. Taking it easy is quite tough to do when you have not much else to do and can add ot the depression. The rush back to work can also add pressure on ourselves. |I have troed to keep my dream alive bit don’t know if the teacjing profession will be too tough for me. I have opted for a Teaching Assisstant course over 4 months with just one day a week study and then one day a week I the classroom this should lead me back into work. The side effects of this illness are increased fear, loss of confidence and anxiety which are not easy to spot but I am becoming aware of.
      I admit to adding healing therapies such as Body Talk and Reiki but I use them lightly and stick to my advice given by my doctor as far as medication is concerned. I think the healing helps in terms of trauma and stress etc and I have seen a worsening of my condition. Some of the problems are in getting the right conventional help such as psychotherapy as you get lost in beaurocracy and endless telephone calls and lost refrerals, that’s the most frightening part. I am still pushing to get to talk to a therapist months later but still, thanks for the advice and suggestions. I will post again soon.

      Liked by 1 person

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