My sister suggests I join a running group. My doctor also suggests joining a run/walk group for all types. I simply refuse and don’t know if this is pride or arrogance. I have been unemployed for two years, and I sometimes struggle with my mental health.
There is a sense of failure running through me. I have tried various things over the last ten years, and they have not worked out. Fair enough, I was dealing with psychosis, so I have an excuse, but it hurts to head out on a journey to achieve something and then realize you should have never bothered to start in the first place.
I don’t want to join any group until I have a job. Because everyone asks, ‘What do you do?’ And I don’t know what to say. At least if I have a job, then I have something to say. The other thing is waiting until I have a decent job with a decent salary, because this gives you more confidence.
Some might say join the group because you never know who might be able to help you. It’s all about having contacts. But I have barely talked to anyone in ten years. Not always intentionally. I worked as a live-in carer for five years. But this involves being alone with one person with dementia or Parkinson 24/7 for four weeks at a time. Then, when you head home, your flat is in a different part of the country. So there is no time to socialize.
Maybe I could have met people online, but I seem to push my introverted nature to extreme’s. I see my loneliness like a person who climbs Everest. Everyone marvels at the person who struggles to get to the top of the mountain. But there is no award for ten years of aloneness.
Maybe that is why it is difficult to join a group. I am just used to being alone and not talking to anyone. It’s quite peaceful, but I admit I am struggling to find a job, and maybe other people would have ideas within the area, but I am stubborn. I don’t know if being alone is a mental health condition. Every time I do speak to someone. I am amazed how normal and relaxed I sound.
I have arranged to meet someone next week. They work for a charity that helps people deal with employment and mental health issues. I am just trying to think of a new career at 57. I am eager to work, but because of previous failures, I have run out of ideas. I hope they can help me. As I would be happy to work for another twenty years until 75.
Maybe when I have that job and feel good about myself. I will join a group with confidence and make some new friends. I am going to join the alpha course for Christians even though I am atheist but I might have some interesting conversations. Are you struggling to meet people? Are you an introvert?
