Shades of Psychosis

It’s been awhile since I stopped taking my meds with my doctors permission and I assume the psychosis has gone for good. But one thing I have noticed is that it seems to resurface when certain factors come into play. I had my bags packed ready to fly to Vietnam and then my brother calls telling me my Mother has a terminal illness. While this is tragic my relationship with my brother was not great and he featured as an imaginary aggressor during my psychotic break. Basically I believed he was a witch practising black magic. Kind of funny but when under the psychosis spell you really do believe the irrational things the mind tells you.

When I go home during times of stress and home life is also not that great then my dreams becomes nightmares, and I hear voices telling me to get out of the house. The only difference this time is there is less of an effect during the day. I know it’s not real. Lucky for me my sister was at home at the time, and while in  Church praying, I could hear my brother say, ‘Come home we love you.’ This made me cry, but also made me feel more relaxed, and that I can go home and not be to stressed.

After I checked things out at home I decide to book a holiday to Madeira to escape. A lovely place but again my psychosis starts to flare up and I wonder how much I feed into the anxiety. With me, underlying my psychosis is this kind of God/Devil argument or fear. When I go abroad, one day I am in a church praying to God to heal me, and the next day I may look up some kind of alternative healing workshop. But that night I’ll have weird demonic dreams about the workshop and decide to go back to church the next day for protection. (I’m starting to think this is like OCD?)

This God/Devil dynamic can happen a lot. Let’s say I’m reading, or trying to read John Fowles The Magus. Again during sleep I am besieged by witchcraft and voices telling me to put book the book down. This could be due to the fact the book blurb says, ‘Inspired by Aleister Crowley’ and my mind is of again. Again I reach for the cross.

I am not struggling that much on a daily basis and I function as a person but unsure why I am still experiencing shades of psychosis, or am I becoming psychic? Recently my dreams have become like premonitions, a spiritual voice, or so I believe, tells me to go down town, and I will meet an old friend but I go down town and don’t meet anyone? It tells me that all my success will come this week but nothing ever changes. I am not fooled that much but find it interesting.

I have decided to book myself an appointment into the doctors not because it’s getting worse but I wonder if there is an underlying health condition. Probably I am just bored in an uneventful job I can-not escape from, and the virus is raging, and none of us can move, and all we have to cling to is our dreams.

4 comments

  1. I grew up in a very religious environment, and whenever there wasn’t something right in my life I’d be driven to almost incessant prayers–more out of panic, fear, guilt. But the day came when I just had to surrender, started saying more heart-felt and honest prayers, and asked God for guidance. I started reading the gospels, then the epistles (I’ve read the New Testament many times before that)–this time the words were like jumping out of the pages. I’d say I made a “turn-around” from that point forward.

    I believe that you are not beyond complete healing, David and I pray that day will come for you soon. Blessings.

    Like

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